A Safe Place

Note: This post is part of a series of posts on marriage/relationships. I pray that this "mini-series" would be a blessing to you! Please feel free to share any of your own thoughts in the comments; I would love to hear them! 

If you are new to this series, you can find the Introduction HERE, Part 1 HERE and Part 2 HERE. 

Love is a command, not just a feeling. Somehow in the romantic world of music and theater we have made love to be what it is not. We have so mixed it with beauty and charm and sensuality and contact that we have robbed it of its higher call of cherishing and nurturing."

~Ravi Zacharias 

This summer, a sweet pair of house finches made their nest in my hanging basket. The basket was located just outside my front window where I sit and read books to my children, and so we had the delight of watching them through their parenting "journey." :-) From the beginning, I tried to protect them as best as I could, looking out for neighborhood cats, watering my plant gingerly around their nest, and admonishing my children to stay a distance away from the nest when we were playing outside. The parents hatched and fed four or five of the cutest little balls of fluff that you can imagine, and we had the privilege of observing the miracle. The babies thrived because they were in a safe place. A place of love and nurturing and warmth and protection. A place where they could trust that their parents could take care of them without fear. 

Years ago, I heard the late minister Adrian Rogers preach a sermon on how men can love, protect, and cherish their wives in the same manner that the house finch parents did for their babies. Since Christ and His church is a model for the relationship between a husband and wife, he brought up the passage about the Lord being like a mother hen who cares for and protects her chicks. Then he applied this illustration to marriage. He related a man's care for his wife to a mother hen who tucked her chicks underneath her warm body and protected them from all the dangers that surrounded them. A man is to protect and cherish his wife in the very same way. 

And I think about this concept of protection and warmth and closeness and safety and the house finches and the mother hen and Christ . . . 

A man who is walking with the Lord can be a "safe place" for his wife. 

A safe place . . . what does this mean? And how does it apply to marriages and romantic love and the general well-being of a home under the Lordship of Christ? 

This is how. 

If a man is walking in obedience to the Lord and treating his precious wife as Christ treats and loves the church--

A husband should be a place that a woman can run to with her fears and concerns and worries. She should be able to trust him to listen to her, to pray with her, to impart to her the strength of Christ and to infuse grace into her soul. 

She should never be afraid that he will make fun of her, that he will laugh at her, that he will belittle her, that he will brush her aside . . . And I'll add here, that sometimes as women (or men) we are concerned about frivolous things or worried about things that we shouldn't be worried about. I don't think that a man (or a woman) needs to "indulge" that kind of conversation, but rather, that he may lead his wife gently back to the cross, without making her feel "little" or "small" or "foolish." There is a balance. A loving man will lead his wife safely back to the cross of Christ, whether her concerns are legitimate or not. 

A loving husband is a safe place in relation to his family. We hear so many "horror" stories about relationships between a woman and her mother-in-law. Many are legitimate, and these situations need to be handled with grace and love, not with unbecoming humor and disrespect. A man can be a safe place in this regard by continually demonstrating to his wife that she is the love of his heart and that he will not betray her by talking about her to his family behind her back, by placing his relationships with them first, or by seeking his parent's advice over or before hers. There are so many problems in marriages that could be avoided if a man would just demonstrate gentle, consistent love in this area. I have witnessed situations where the family didn't consider the daughter-in-law a true part of the family, only an add-on. This can be so painful for a wife, and place an unnecessary rift in the relationship between her and her in-laws. As believers, we should be the first to recognize the incredible and beautiful "oneness" that marriage brings--physically, mystically, and spiritually, and hold one another in such loving esteem, that this should never be an issue. If Christian in-laws demonstrated this kind of love toward their daughter-in -laws (or son-in- laws on the other side) there really could be such beautiful, godly harmony rather than many of the situations that exist today. There is so much that could be said or written about this subject, but overall, I will just say that a woman feels safe, cherished, loved, and protected when her husband guards his love for her in front of his family and doesn't "demean" her or undermine their relationship in any way in this regard. A woman's feelings can be damaged for years by this kind of betrayal. 

A man can be a safe place by leading his family faithfully under the lordship of Christ. By holding family devotions and prayer in high regard. By especially jealously guarding his own relationship with the Lord, by spending time in closet-prayer and devotions that is not showy or forced. 

A man is a safe place when a woman can trust him with their children. He honors their mother and doesn't belittle her ideas or authority. He wants their spiritual good in every way and works with his wife to achieve that end. He entrusts their lives into the care of their Heavenly Father but also takes seriously and soberly his great responsibility to love and to nurture them and to train them up in the fear and love of the Lord. He shows love and admiration for his wife in front of his children, even when his wife is not present. 

A man is a safe place when he does not act flirtatiously toward other women or talk about other women with the intention of making his wife jealous or afraid for their own relationship. At the same time he does not make other women feel unimportant compared to his wife--a love that is mature and grounded and real will cause him to act kindly and graciously towards the opposite sex without flirting. 

A man can be a safe place by guarding his eyes from looking at pornography or any unclean thing. This is a serious, serious issue that I believe should be addressed more than it is. I won't delve into it too deeply here as I am planning another post on this subject as part of this series. But I will say briefly that pornography can damage a woman's emotions and crush her spirit in a way that nothing else can. That is part of the reason why there are such dire warnings against it in Scripture: because it kills with a slow poison and the results are devastating. 

A man is a safe place when he provides for his family. As far as it depends on him and as much as it is possible, he seeks their welfare and provision, just as Christ Jesus does this for His church physically and spiritually. In other words, he works--hard. He labors to provide for those he loves. He does everything in his power and by the grace of God to make sure that they are clothed and fed and taken care of. Will there be circumstances where this is not possible--of course. Sickness, or the loss of a job, or other circumstances and trials may prevent him from providing for his family for a time or indefinitely. The Lord views the heart. Does a man desire to provide? Is he wholeheartedly willing to provide if he could? Then he is a safe place for his wife because she knows that he is trusting in God to provide for their needs--and our Heavenly Father is the very Safest Place there is. 

A man can be a safe place by looking out for the welfare of the church. A man who loves Christ also loves the church--because she is the Bride of Christ! He wants to serve there in whatever capacity the Lord has called him. He wants to evangelize in order to bring more souls into the church. He loves to be present there--on Sunday mornings, at Bible studies, at missions events, etc. He loves the church and wants its good--because that behavior imitates Christ's. Growing in grace in this area also helps his wife. The more that a man seeks and loves the Lord and as a result, the things of God, the more he will love, protect, and cherish his wife--as she is a picture for him of the church. 

How a woman cherishes a tender, gentle, sensitive man who is a safe place for her! I love the example of Elkanah in the book of I Kings and his sensitive spirit towards Hannah, his wife . I love the example of Joseph and the tenderness and love that he exhibited toward Mary, even when he thought that she had been unfaithful to him. 

Men, we don't need a "macho" man who is constantly concerned about his appearance. We don't need an effeminate man who takes no leadership in the home. We don't need a dictator. We don't need a man who does not lead. We need a man who is like Christ--who is striving to be like Christ, not perfectly, but obediently and humbly. A man who admits his flaws and seeks forgiveness. A man who can apologize. A man who is continually dependent upon the grace of God. A man who is sensitive. A man who is tender.  A man who is real. A man who is gentle. A man who can be trusted in all of his relationships. 

A man who is, by the grace of God, a safe place. 

I don't know a woman who doesn't love and want to serve a man like that. 

A man who is gentle. A man who is real. A man who is a safe place. 


Note: On this subject, I highly recommend Dr. Adrian Roger's sermon series The Music of Marriage--it is such an encouraging series. 

You might find me on these link-ups:

Strangers and Pilgrims on Earth, Inspire Me Monday, Literacy Musing Mondays, The Modest Mom, What Joy is Mine, A Mama's Story, Mom's the Word, Rich Faith Rising, Cornerstone Confessions, Mom's Morning Coffee, Raising Homemakers, Classical Homemaking, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, Woman to Woman Ministries,  Testimony Tuesday, Tell His Story, Women With Intention Wednesdays, Messy Marriage,  Graced Simplicity, Children Are A Blessing, Imparting Grace, Thought Provoking Thursday, Soul Survival, Good Morning Mondays, The Weekend Brew, Counting My Blessings, The HomeAcre Hop, Mommy Moments Link Up, Grace and Truth Linkup, Faith Filled Friday, Tell It To Me Tuesdays, SHINE Blog Hop, TGI Saturdays Blog Hop, RaRaLinkup, Word of God Speak, Booknificent Thursday, Living Proverbs 31, Sharing His Beauty Blog Linkup, Coffee For Your Heart Weekly LinkUp, You're the Star Blog Hop, Homesteader Hop, Fresh Market Friday

A Woman Who Fears the Lord

Note: This post is part of a series of posts on marriage/relationships. I pray that this "mini-series" would be a blessing to you! Please feel free to share any of your own thoughts in the comments; I would love to hear them! 

You may read the Introduction to the series HERE. 

Last week, I shared some characteristics of a man who is sensitive to the Spirit of God. This week, I'd like to share a list of qualities of a spiritually-sensitive woman that I brainstormed. I pray that these insights might be an encouragement to you as you ponder and pray over them--I know that they have challenged me--

In my own interactions with other believers and in my reading, I have often come up against the either stated or implied idea that a woman's actions will change the heart of her husband.  I have heard teaching on this subject that places guilt and responsibility upon a woman's shoulders that was never placed there by the Lord in Scripture. Biblically, we are called to--

be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.  (I Peter 3:1-2 NKJV)

The key word in that passage is "may." Not "will," but "may." All that we can do as believing women is to obey the express commands in Scripture, keep our focus upon Christ (not upon our husband, ultimately), and pray--sometimes with fasting. Will the Lord change the heart of an unregenerate or unrepentant husband? He may. But He never in Scripture places the responsibility for our husband's conversion or confession upon us. Each person is responsible for their own sins before God. Our husbands will stand or fall before Him for his own sins, as we will for ours. The important thing is to keep our eyes fixed upon Jesus Christ--and the outcome is in the hands of the Lord. 

I don't believe, and I am coming from a very Conservative background and interpretation of Scripture, that a woman needs to "cower" beneath a tyrant. And I see this principle strongly played out in the life of Abigail (see I Samuel 25), who respected and obeyed her husband, but only until his will conflicted with her Heavenly Father's. We do not blindly submit (and I'd like to go into this subject more deeply in another post), but for now, I will just say that we are only responsible to do what we are commanded in Scripture to do. No more. And that will eliminate so much of the worry and fear that is placed upon women in marriages today who are desperately trying to fix their husbands and go to any lengths to do so. I'd like to delve more into this subject in another post and so I will conclude this one now with the list of character traits of a godly and gracious woman. May the Lord help us and give His grace to us in every way as we seek to become more like Christ! 

A woman who loves Christ Jesus with all of her heart (Mark 12:30)

A woman who knows and loves Scripture (Hebrews 4:12, John 8:32, Psalm 119)

A woman who encourages her husband in the ways of the Lord (I Thessalonians 5:11)

A woman who is strong in the Lord~powerful examples~~Jael and Deborah (Judges 4), Esther (book of Esther), Ruth (book of Ruth)-- to name a few.

A woman who will not compromise under pressure (Matthew 24:13, James 1:12))

A woman who loves her children and makes sacrifices for them (Titus 2:4-5)

A woman who puts her own needs after the needs of others (Philippians 2:1-4)

A woman who gives generously (II Corinthians 8:1-15)

A woman who trusts God with her future (Proverbs 31:25)

A woman who clothes her family well -takes care of the needs of her family (Proverbs 31:21)

A woman who is sensitive to those who are hurting (Colossians 3:12-13, Proverbs 31:20)

A woman who is not frivolous (I Peter 5:8-9). And I cannot help interjecting here Mr. Knightly's words from Jane Austen's Emma--"Men of good sense do not want silly wives!" ;-))

A woman who is thrifty  (Proverbs 31:27)

A woman who brings honor to her husband (Proverbs 31)

A beautiful woman--beautiful because she reflects Christ (I Peter 3:3-4)

A woman who walks by faith (II Corinthians 5:7)

Please join me next week for the next part in this series! I am hopeful and excited for how the Lord will work through our marriages as we submit ourselves to His leading and love. 



You might find me on these link-ups:

Strangers and Pilgrims on Earth, Inspire Me Monday, Literacy Musing Mondays, The Modest Mom, What Joy is Mine, A Mama's Story, Mom's the Word, Rich Faith Rising, Cornerstone Confessions, Mom's Morning Coffee, Raising Homemakers, Classical Homemaking, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, Woman to Woman Ministries,  Testimony Tuesday, Tell His Story, Women With Intention Wednesdays, Messy Marriage,  Graced Simplicity, Children Are A Blessing, Imparting Grace, Thought Provoking Thursday, Soul Survival, Good Morning Mondays, The Weekend Brew, Counting My Blessings, The HomeAcre Hop, Mommy Moments Link Up, Grace and Truth Linkup, Faith Filled Friday, Tell It To Me Tuesdays, SHINE Blog Hop, TGI Saturdays Blog Hop, RaRaLinkup, Word of God Speak, Booknificent Thursday, Living Proverbs 31, Sharing His Beauty Blog Linkup, Coffee For Your Heart Weekly LinkUp, You're the Star Blog Hop, Homesteader Hop, Fresh Market Friday

The Kind of Man She Wants

Note: This post is part of a series of posts on marriage/relationships. I pray that this "mini-series" would be a blessing to you! Please feel free to share any of your own thoughts in the comments; I would love to hear them! 

Chivalry in love has nothing to do with the sweetness of the appearance. It has everything to do with the tenderness of a heart determined to serve. You must not act under the impetus of charm, but out of a commitment to make someone's life the joy you want it to be. 

~ Ravi Zacharias

A man must at times be hard as nails: willing to face up to the truth about himself, and about the woman he loves, refusing compromise when compromise is wrong. But he must also be tender. No weapon will breach the armor of a woman's resentment like tenderness. 
~ Elisabeth Elliot

What kind of a man does a woman long for? What kind of a man does she need? The world tells us that he should be handsome, successful, wealthy. Or maybe someone "cool," modern, and progressive. Someone who pushes against authority, someone who "breaks the rules." Or maybe someone who makes us feel good about ourselves. The list goes on and on. 

But as a woman and as a Christian, my heart longs for something deeper. Something purer and richer than surface, artificial qualities. As Christian women, we long for something that speaks to us on the inside of our souls, souls aching for the love and gentleness of Christ displayed to us through the actions of our husbands. A husband will never fill the place in our hearts that only Christ can fill. But he can, through his actions, take our hands and place them in the hand of Christ. And I think that this is why so many women feel hurt and confused in their marriages. Because, honestly, as the leader of their homes and as the visual representation of their wife of Christ, many husbands are not fulfilling this role. And so the wife stumbles, and searches to find His hand, the hand of Christ, in the dark, through the confusion of her husband's actions that are un-Christ-like. 

This is not true in every marriage. And it is a precious thing to see those marriages where the husband is selflessly serving his wife and family in humility and love (not perfectly, but obediently). But I will say that it is rare. And I write this post in part as a challenge to men to walk with the Lord in their daily lives, to step up to the plate, so to speak. To become the man that you were created to be through the grace and mercy of Christ. To stop thinking about your own selfish or even legitimate needs and how your wife is not fulfilling them and to treat your wife as Christ treats the church. To love her. To pray with her. To listen to her. To serve her. To bless her. To be Christ to her. I think that you will be very surprised by the response. And I think that you will see, in most cases, that your needs will be met in the process. It's a funny thing how women respond to men who cherish them and serve them by cherishing and serving that man in return. We are designed to respond that way. Do you want your wife to serve you? Serve her. Do you want your wife to be sensitive to your needs? Be a sensitive, gentle, Christ-like man. 

I have witnessed , in my own experience, so many marriages where the women are starving for their husbands to take Christ seriously and lead their families. Where the man is literally not allowing the woman to serve him through his own actions and lack of obedience where the woman would gladly do so. Men, this should not be! You are the Leader and Shepherd of your family under Christ. So shepherd them. Love them. Nourish them. Lead them to the cross. 

Of course, this is impossible in our own strength. And this is where the grace of God comes in. Obedience is never easy . . . it is remarkably hard. Especially where feelings are absent. But again, this is where the grace of God comes in. And we find that we can do all thing through Christ who strengthens us as we put our trust in Him and take those first baby-steps of obedience. The feelings will follow.

So what kind of man has the qualities that the Lord values, that He lays out in His Word? What kind of man has the heart of Jesus Christ and follows in His footsteps? 

I compiled this list of qualities in the kind of man who is seeking to imitate Christ in his relationships.. But before I share it, I want to make it very clear that no man (or woman) is perfect. As I discussed in my introduction, we have not arrived, but we are arriving. My husband, after reading this list, in his usual humorous way, quipped, --"It's nice to know you have low standards." :-) Grace is essential. Forgiveness is essential. No one is perfect . . . but we ought to be, as believers, seeking daily to emulate Christ, to become more and more like Him. Obedience is the only way, and it is the pathway to joy -- our own and the joy of others. Do you want to make your wife happy? Imitate Christ. Love her and cherish her as Christ does and would. I'd also like to say that this is not an exhaustive list. Rather, it is a list of character traits that I find, as a Christian woman, admirable. When a man is Christ-like, he is attractive. He may not be physically attractive, but he is spiritually attractive. The attractiveness that I am speaking about here is not a sensual one. It is a spiritual one. When a man emulates and seeks to imitate Christ, he becomes spiritually attractive to the extent that he imitates Christ. His life compels others to put their trust and faith in Christ. His life is a shining beacon, a breath of fresh air in a toxic society, a sweet aroma. He is attractive spiritually. And this is the kind of man that a Christian woman yearns for  . . .  because she feels protected and loved and cherished by him -- because he protects and loves and cherishes her as Christ would to the best of his Spirit-filled ability.  Here are some characteristics (and reminders from Scripture) that I brainstormed of a spiritually attractive man. Think about them, search the Word of God, and seek to put these into practice in your marriage . . . and the grace of Christ will fill you where you lack --

~A man who serves with his heart, from the heart -- not only with his head.

For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many. Mark 10:45 NKJV

~A man who is kind when he thinks that no one (important) is watching.

Therefore be imitators of God as dear children. And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma. Ephesians 5:1-2 NKJV

~A man who respects authority.

Therefore submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord’s sake, whether to the king as supreme, or to governors, as to those who are sent by him for the punishment of evildoers and for the praise of those who do good. For this is the will of God, that by doing good you may put to silence the ignorance of foolish men— as free, yet not using liberty as a cloak for vice, but as bondservants of God. Honor all people. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the king. 

I Peter 2:13-17 NKJV

Let every soul be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist are appointed by God. Therefore whoever resists the authority resists the ordinance of God, and those who resist will bring judgment on themselves. For rulers are not a terror to good works, but to evil. Do you want to be unafraid of the authority? Do what is good, and you will have praise from the same. For he is God’s minister to you for good. But if you do evil, be afraid; for he does not bear the sword in vain; for he is God’s minister, an avenger to execute wrath on him who practices evil. Therefore you must be subject, not only because of wrath but also for conscience’ sake. For because of this you also pay taxes, for they are God’s ministers attending continually to this very thing.Render therefore to all their due: taxes to whom taxes are due,customs to whom customs, fear to whom fear, honor to whom honor.

Roman 13:1-7 NKJV

~A man who is sensitive towards children.
But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 19:14 NKJV

~A man who will not compromise under pressure.

Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him. 

James 1:12 NKJV

~A man who is faithful with his body and with his mind.
But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Matthew 5:28 NKJV

~A man who does not demand submission.
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

I Corinthians 13:4-7 NKJV

~A man who puts his own needs after the needs of his family. 
Let no one seek his own, but each one the other’s well-being.
I Corinthians 10:24 NKJV

(A beautiful example of this is the character of Joseph in the film The Nativity Story--well worth watching!)

~A man who leads.
But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.
I Corinthians 11:3 NKJV

~A prayerful man.
...praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints—
Ephesians 6:18 NKJV

~A man who loves the Word of God.
Your words were found, and I ate them,
And Your word was to me the joy and rejoicing of my heart;
For I am called by Your name,
O Lord God of hosts.
Jeremiah 15:16 NKJV

~A man who is humble. 
He has shown you, O man, what is good;
And what does the Lord require of you
But to do justly,
To love mercy,
And to walk humbly with your God?
Micah 6:8 NKJV

~A man who is sensitive. 
I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called, with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
Ephesians 4:1-3 NKJV

~A man who is gentle to animals.
A righteous man regards the life of his animal,
But the tender mercies of the wicked are cruel.
Proverbs 12:10 NKJV

~A man who dies daily (to his flesh).
For if you live according to the flesh you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live.
Romans 8:13 NKJV

Difficult? Impossible? In a man's own strength, yes. But through Christ and in His grace--possible, beautiful, joy-giving, romance-inspiring, Follow in the footsteps of Jesus, and He will lead into all truth. For your joy, for His joy, and for the joy of your wife. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In this post, I focused on the man's response and responsibility in marriage. Next week, I'll be addressing the qualities and characteristics of a godly woman and how she may love and serve her husband through the grace of Christ. Please join me then! :-)



You might find me on these link-ups:


Strangers and Pilgrims on Earth, Inspire Me Monday, Literacy Musing Mondays, The Modest Mom, What Joy is Mine, A Mama's Story, Mom's the Word, Rich Faith Rising, Cornerstone `Confessions, Mom's Morning Coffee, Raising Homemakers, Classical Homemaking, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, Woman to Woman Ministries,  Testimony Tuesday, Tell His Story, Women With Intention Wednesdays, Messy Marriage,  Graced Simplicity, Children Are A Blessing, Imparting Grace, Thought Provoking Thursday, Soul Survival, Good Morning Mondays, The Weekend Brew, Counting My Blessings, The HomeAcre Hop, Mommy Moments Link Up, Grace and Truth Linkup, Faith Filled Friday, Tell It To Me Tuesdays, SHINE Blog Hop, A Little R&R Wednesdays. TGI Saturdays Blog Hop, RaRaLinkup, Word of God Speak, Booknificent Thursday, Living Proverbs 31, Sharing His Beauty Blog Linkup, Coffee For Your Heart Weekly LinkUp, You're the Star Blog Hop, Homesteader Hop, Fresh Market Friday

Loving Well---Romance and Redemption: A Marriage Mini-Series--Introduction

Note: This post is part of a series of posts on marriage/relationships. I pray that this "mini-series" would be a blessing to you! Please feel free to share any of your own thoughts in the comments! 

Chivalry in love has nothing to do with the sweetness of the appearance. It has everything to do with the tenderness of a heart determined to serve.

~Ravi Zacharias

As I've been thinking and praying about this mini-series on marriage and relationships, an idea surfaced in my head, and that was this--Perhaps we show how much we love someone by how much we are willing to suffer for them . . . how much we are willing to give for them. . . how far we are willing to go for them . . . how long we are willing to wait for them . . . how steadfast we will be not to compromise with sin to gain a temporary false peace that may be easily shattered.

This idea began to take root in my heart and in my head and I will follow this thought process throughout this series on marriage. Because I believe that it is true. And because I believe that there is no easy way for true romantic love to flourish except through sacrifice.

Our example is Christ and His church--and what stronger example of sacrifice and sacrificial love can there be? Even before we loved Him, He loved us . . . even when we scorned Him, spurned Him, spit upon Him . . . He loved us. 

I have to ask myself this as a woman and as a wife and as a follower of Christ--

How much am I willing to suffer, to give, to die to myself for the ones that I say that I love--

Nowhere is this more played out than in the marriage relationship.

The same goes for men--for husbands--and I believe, on a mystical level, they will answer to the Lord more strongly as the head of their families under Christ--

How much am I willing to suffer, to give, to die to myself for my wife?

Only when we can give everything, as Christ did, on the cross of Calvary, will we fully arrive. And never on this earth, or in this life, will we fully arrive . . . and that is where grace comes in.

We will never fully arrive. But if our hearts beat with the heartbeat of Christ, if His love flows through our veins, and there is life--than we will strive to be like Him. Here. In the now. In this moment with my husband or with my wife.

We have the gift of the Spirit of God. He enables us to become more and more like Christ. And the more that we become like Christ, the more we will arrive, the more we will love, the more we will see our shortcomings and cry out for grace. We will never arrive but we are arriving.

Defensiveness in our relationships is usually a sign that we have not humbled ourselves, have not been humbled enough--when we argue and we fume and we rationalize our actions, we show that we are lacking something of grace--the grace of humility.

The most tender, sensitive men are the first to admit that they are not always tender and sensitive. The most gracious, gentle woman is the first to admit that she is not always gracious and gentle.

Humility is the door to obedience and only when we stoop low can we enter the vastness of God's grace on the other side, in the great pasture of obedience and love.

Real love, real romance begins with humility. It begins with losing ourselves and putting on Christ. The most handsome men are the ones who serve, not the ones who work out at the gym and drive shiny cars. The most beautiful women are the ones who put other's needs first and forget about themselves in the blessedness and freedom of serving and loving purely. The most spiritual men and women are not those with the most theological head knowledge, but those who walk in daily obedience to Christ. 

The degree of love that we have for others is proportionate with the degree that we are willing to suffer for their sake.  

"Love suffers long and is kind." (I Corinthians 13:4 NKJV)

Real love has to be willing to sacrifice in order to mirror the love of Christ. 

"In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins." (I John 4:10 NKJV)

Because Christ suffered for us--God Himself, who is Love, suffered for our sakes--suffered because He loves us, suffered so that we may be holy and pure and one with Him. 

So we take Him as the Example in our relationships, as the way to know what real love is and how to practice it. 

There are no gimmicks when it comes to real love. Not even spiritual ones. We love well when we serve. We love well when we suffer. We love well when we abide in the vine. We love well when we die to ourselves and live to God. 

This is what brings breath and life and passion and grace into our marriages, into our relationships. Oneness with Christ and the joy that only self-giving brings. Death that brings life. 

And so I head into this series on marriage and relationships with a bit of trepidation. Because I know that I have not arrived. But by God's grace, I am arriving. And so I write. 

~Part One Next Week~

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